Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1504112122485088256/pu/vid/480x480/yHTFKRDyJmueGtZZ.mp4?tag=12

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen