Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
this is the best interaction on twitter
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.