Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.