Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep