Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT