Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Art by Pastelkatto

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

? 💀

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.