Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.