Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”