Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
