Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I never needed anything more in my life
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop