Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.