Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I am absolutely never leaving this website
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.