Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Creepy-crawlies

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”