Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Husband of the year 😂

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Do one person every day that scares you.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.