Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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Body by sandwich.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.