Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

God has left this place

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up