Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition