Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
How all things should be taught/explained.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Posting this on behalf of a friend
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.