Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people