Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
neighborhood watch
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Breaking news:
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My fantasy football season is going great
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
pain
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*puts my mental health in rice
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons