Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

beware of dog

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh