Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here