Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

“That’s what” – She

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol