Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.