Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Here’s a meme

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy: