Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Bro what is this

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀