Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift