me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me, flirting😏
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago