me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.