Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Why is everyone getting married at me

Very problematic

ㅤ

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.