Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Mhm.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.