Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know