Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Okey dokey.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.