Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.