Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

this is the kind of friend i am

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?