@FunnyBison

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

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@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@krisv_723

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@mountain_ghosts

1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco

@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@BuckyIsotope

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.