*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I dig my own Grave.
Adds Inter-ior designer to Resume.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.