ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.


Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.


Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.


They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.


1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco


Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.


Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.