Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)