Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.