Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

This is a true ally.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.