Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Feels

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
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