Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.