Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
this came to me in a vision
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*limbos under the caution tape
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.