Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.