Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet