Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.