Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

I did not eat the cake…

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…