Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
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What’s the point buying it then?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok