me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
You Might Also Like
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.