me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Sorry. Not sorry
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.