me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
pictures of spider-man
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Tier 3 meme
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men