Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Always…
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied