Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Follow me for more life hacks.
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Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe