Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

this is uni

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.