Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

i really liked this one

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN