Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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The pasta is now
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Venn
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.