Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Facebook Twitter

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!