Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work