Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Unimpressed

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Come back with a warrant

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

You make me want to be a better home and garden.