me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back