me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
🤣✨#caturday
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.