me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
You Might Also Like
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier