Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.