Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂