me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour