me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old