Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.